i haven't been on the computer much recently, and I've been trying to be as happy as possible these past few weeks. some days are amazing and great. some days, i break down completely, still.
days like today.
all my life, I've been restrained to do what i want to do. all my friends had the opportunity to do what they wanted while i grew up with them. they didn't have anything standing in their way but their own decisions. if i could be what i wanted to be, i definitely wouldn't be the same person i am today.
maybe that's a good thing, maybe it's a bad thing.
but i do know, that i never had a choice, never got the opportunity i pleaded and wished for every night before i went to bed. i always wished to accomplish my dreams, like they would come true overnight. every single night i would lie in bed imagining what i wanted to be, what i wish i could be. i wasn't even dreaming yet, and i wanted it so badly.
but things like that never happened in my life. i was always that little girl listening to all my friends brag about how their parents always gave them what the wanted, let them be the person they wanted to be. yeah, not every kid got that little barbie doll they wanted, or one of those cool toys they saw on tv. but that's different from what i'm talking about. i'm talking about living your life's dream.
most parents are there to support you, and give you the time of day to help you work up to making that goal, making that dream come true.
it's was practically the opposite for me, growing up. i never got the time of day.
yeah, throughout life, i wanted to be alot of things. dancer, figure skater, soccer star, guitarist, photographer, band singer, bmxer, skateboarder, snowboarder, all that. but no matter how hard i tried, i never got the chance to even think about accomplishing any of them. and now, after all these years, it's like i get punished for wanting something new. 'you can't stop changing your mind, can you?' that's what she always says now. it's because once i'm let down, once they say 'no, you can't do this. i won't let you live your dream' that's what makes me change my mind. yknow, maybe i wasn't set out for dancing, or figure skating. maybe i wasn't skilled enough to play guitar or become a singer. maybe it's too late.
i'm sixteen fucking years old now, it's all too late. i can't be the one thing i always wanted to be, ever since i was a little girl. because i was raised to believe all my dreams will be crushed anyway.
and yknow what, they were.
and it fucking sucks, when you know you can't be what you've always wanted to be.
i never had the type of support from anyone, i never had anybody who believed in me.
nobody to say 'hey, if you work hard at this, you can be it. you can do it, and live the dream'.
because nobody believed that i could.
and it fucking sucks, when you know that you have nothing to be proud of yourself for.
there is not one thing about myself that i am proud about. it sucks to look and the mirror and wonder why you can't be happy for yourself, be proud for what you've become.
yeah, i tried that. the one thing i was actually proud of myself for, i was forced by my own fucking parents to give it up. oh how great they were, huh?
nothing. I'm not proud of myself for anything.
not one thing. and it really. fucking. sucks.
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