ignorance is your new bestfriend.

yknow, i talked to the one person that's the closest to you today. it's shocking to say that he's related to you, ha. he cares more about me that you ever did, and i didn't even date him like i dated you. he really doesn't wanna see me get hurt by you again. he even warned you. "don't screw this one up." and you did, you really fucking did. you have no care for it at all either, you do it all the fucking time anyway. you are really ignorant to everyone's feelings and emotions, aren't you? you need to just disappear off this planet. but i will not wish upon that, or i'll regret it in the future.

and then there's you. the one that's practically got my heart wrapped around your little finger. and you don't even know what to do with it. but somehow i keep telling myself, he won't drop it. he won't hurt it. he won't break it.
do i really even know?
and then there's the one that's slowly loosening from my grip. does it even bother you? do you even notice how you have that little knife slowly cutting me open, forcing it's way to my insides.
i told you, you would never be able to have this heart. it's just not for you yet.
but somehow i'm still convinced that if he did have it, he would never harm it.
what if he did? what if they both did?
what if i fucked myself over again, after multiple times.
my heart is unbreakable.
but it's getting more fragile by the day.
the more i talk to you, the more you ignore me.
the closer you get to me, the farther away you drift.
with every kiss you lay on me, with every heartfelt word you say to me.
i can't take it anymore. it's just too much for me to grasp.

i need to get away from this.

Secret #65,298,475,293:

you came back, and now i don't even want you anymore.

you were too late, just a little bit. i wish you just never wasted your time with me. i wish you just would take everything back. i wish you just would leave forever. i wish you just could say you don't care and let me go on with my life, like i was starting to do. but just when i thought i didn't need you anymore, you walked right back into my life. you already fucked me over once, i'm not going to let you do that again.

i promise you, i never will.

i promise.

i quit smoking cigarettes. for good.

bestfriend..

"Don't forget the girl,
Who was always by your side.
When everyone else talked about you,
She was the one who didn't lie.

Don't forget the girl,
Who always made you smile.
Who'd make the sun come out on a rainy day,
Even if it only lasted for awhile.

Don't forget the girl,
Who never let you fall.
The girl who dropped all of her plans,
If you should ever call.

Don't forget the girl,
Who loved you with all her heart.
But everytime you two talked,
She'd never mention that part.

Don't forget the girl,
You were never ment to forget.
Because heaven sent you an angel,
The day you two met."

hey, isn't this easy?

things have been going pretty great recently. the drama hasn't been effecting me, and if it has, I've done a pretty good job dealing with it.
so far this weekend, i haven't done anything stupid, like drugs. I've been handed weed and alcohol a few times and didn't touch any of it. i had a great time with an old friend that i should spend more time with(:, and i spent basically the whole weekend with that special boy<3 everything has been going great, and the stupid immature drama that's been thrown at me has been taken care of.

i don't care if people continue to call me a whore, and a slut, and stupid petty shit like that. they don't know me at all, and they are just trying to find a way to make me look bad. this goes for that one kidd that can't deal with the fact that i just wanna be friends. stop being so damn immature and just stay out of my life.

everything is going just the way i want it. don't ruin it.

:D

just keep looking up.

things are starting to get better. (:

and to refer back to my previous blog, that boy sitch is all worked out. ;D



"if you can see that i'm one who understands you
been here all along, so why can't you see?
you belong with me."

wow, it's really been a while.

last time i wrote on this, was right before i left for japan. but i'm not here to talk about my trip, that would take WAY too fucking long. ha. but i will say, that it was absolutely amazing. and i wish i never left.

but, really, what i need to express more about is my feelings. especially towards the guys. ha, sounds pretty typical, right? but i'm sorta in a pickle. and it's a pretty bad one.

have you ever had those dreams where you feel like they are so real, but when you wake up, you wonder, "why the fuck did i just have that dream?!" i had that this morning, and it kept me thinking all day so far. why did i have it?

what happened, was i went on a roadtrip to mass, with a friend of mine. a boy, actually. that i really have serious feelings for. i don't quite understand why we were on a roadtrip, but during it, he got a phonecall from his girlfriend (in real life, he's single) and he was having alot of problems with her. i woke up super early this morning, and since i fell asleep last night watching mtv, i woke up to hear "you belong with me" by taylor swift. and i love that song, with a passion.

i thought it was kinda creepy though, yknow? if you can catch where this is going, you'd understand why all day i've been listening to that song and thinking about that boy. even though he doesn't have a girlfriend, there is a girl on his mind, and it's not me.

i wish i could just tell him, tell him everything, all the feelings i've ever had for this boy. but when i get to the point where i feel vulnerable enough to tell him, i shut down. and everything starts all over again; i don't know what to do. he's the only one that's been on my mind, and it'll stay like that for a long time, i can tell.

i can either wait two months, until i go up to vermont for thanksgiving. or i can just go ahead and straight up tell him. waiting, things could change to be good or bad. maybe he'll date that girl within those two months, maybe he won't and i can have the perfect moment to do it then. or maybe everything will go wrong, little by little.

-____- i'll update more often now.