Backspace.

my life has been a complete roller coaster recently. when i finally think that i just might be completely content and happy with my life, something happens that pulls me back down, shoves me right back into the ground. i don't usually let things bring me down, but it's starting to become a never-ending downhill ride for me now. the loops are starting to settle, the twists and turns aren't as extreme anymore. instead i just keep heading straight down, just like that first drop on Superman(Bizarro) feels like. like you're going to crash down right before you fly level with the earth. but this time, i don't even think i'm going to start flying again.

everyone's giving up on me. i'm finally starting to realize that i'm not worth anyone's time anymore.

i want to go back.

courage.

people just need to let me live my life the way i want to. I'm tired of being tied down to certain expectations, and the way people used to see me. I've changed, a lot. and I'm not the same Dani that everyone thought i was. I've learned that nobody else is going to live my life but me, and i want to live it the way that i had in mind. and that way, was basically doing whatever the fuck i want. if i fuck up, or make the stupidest choice i ever could, then just let me do it. maybe I'll learn from my mistake, maybe i won't. but i wanna find that out on my own, through my own experience.

within the next couple of days, i'm going to announce something that'll probably shock everyone i know. but it's something that i want to do, because i want to be fucking happy with everything in my life. just for once.

change.

change is good. for me, at the moment, it is. i'm starting to see things differently again, in a good way. i just might be able to say, life is good. maybe, sometime soon i hope.
i'm not quite sure yet though. i'm just trying to tell myself to just live life day by day. i hope it works.

the reason.

i've been dealing with so much recently, and i just don't find anything worth it anymore. i try so hard to work for the things i want, but it never turns out right. everything is going downhill, just when i feel like it'll all be okay for once. but nothing ever works out the way you hope.
i had the best of friends, and they are struggling to stay by my side. i had the perfect boyfriend, but i had to fuck that all up. i ended it harshly, and i wish i didn't. but i couldn't handle it anymore; i just didn't want to hurt him, but i did anyway. like i said; nothing works out the way you want it.
i just want to move, get this over with. start all over, maybe then i could see myself as a happy person, without faking my smiles all the time. i hate superficial happiness. it's slowly breaking me down, little by little, piece by piece. and i just need to get the hell outta here.
the one thing that i want right now, is to be able to see myself completely happy, inside and out. nothing to worry about, problems all solved, a whole new life.
that's why i want to move to georgia. where my bestfriend is.
but i want my connecticut bestfriend to come with me. she is the only thing that i need from connecticut, really. i have other amazing friends, but she needs me right now, and i need her.
so much sh*t going on right now, i don't want to deal with it at all.
but just as a last little memo here, i've been listening to this song all day.

"I just want you to know..
I've found a reason for me to change who I used to be,
A reason to start over new, and the reason is you."

That's for you, bestfriend. iloveyou<3

impassioned silence.

it's sad, that lives can be shattered into so many pieces. they can never be repaired, not even by the force of love. some want to know what it means to be in love. by in my dictionary, "in love", used to be undefinable.
I'm in love. I like how that feels; I hate how it feels. because love is just an invention of fiction writers. in my book, the heart I've damaged and patched up over and over is now gaining its power back, beating again. but in my book there is always something that overpowers it; and this time, its the abhorrent fact that I may not be calling Connecticut my home anymore. that just may be the one thing that will blow our closeness into distant pieces.
I want to turn and run. if I can't run, i want to scream. I want to scream, but I can't find my voice, hidden somewhere in the indigo sea that has swamped my brain. blue. deep, dark blue. the blue that fills me with desire, the desire to forfeit completely.
today, I sat through another forty-five minute session said to be helpful to the PTSD. my heart is heady with a synthesis of emotions. I feel satisfied, that I didn't breakdown today, didn't confess major sin. I feel relieved to have to admit a little of what's inside my head. sometimes I think it might split wide, cracked by the upheaval bubblingt beneath my skull. but most people think there's nothing troubling me at all.
life is tenuous. flickering glimpses, like ancient, decomposing 16mm film. happiness escapes me in my thoughts, where faces are vague and yesterday seems to come tied up in ribbons of pain. I look for it instead in today, where memory is something I can still touch, still rely on. I find it in the smiles of new friends, the hope blossoming inside. some of those happiest memories, I still have yet to create.

I'll still live in my mom's shadow; I'll still drive myself to achieve impossible perfection. and i'll never let myself believe someone really loves me.
did I just lie to myself? I think I did.

confounded.

i just realized this today. recently, i have been more degraded than usual, even though i don't show it at all. i feel like there is someone who's been created to take my place. like someone sculpted from ice. and i keep the melted me bottled up inside. where no one can touch her, until, unbidden, she comes pouring out. and she puddles then, upon fear-trodden ground. i am always afraid, and i am vague about why. my life isn't so awful. is it?
I have amazing friends, an amazing boyfriend, and a pretty interesting family. but for some reason I feel like I'm so distant from everyone around me, from all my friends and family. i feel like I've let them all down in some way, leaving me feeling as the guilty one. I blame myself, for nearly everything that goes wrong in my life. that's just the adjustment I've grown up with.
sometimes need swells up inside me, like a thunderhead. storms down, sweeps over me like a summer flash flood of need. and then I feel numb, like something else has completely taken over me. do I seem like a different person? sure, everyone changes. but usually it just takes you down a different path than before. I've already swerved off the road and into a field of confusion, heading straight for disaster.
everyone always tells me; whatever it is, don't leave it inside. someday you'll implode. but i just hope they aren't the ones cleaning up the mess.
i still haven't imploded, thought sometimes (maybe even often) i wish i would. wish i could just get it over with.

am i making any sense at all?

inconsideration.

i don't know why i tried so hard with this kidd. i really don't. i gave him a second chance, and to me it seems like he's just throwing it all away again. or maybe i'm just stupid, jealous, and pathetic. maybe i'm right, and maybe i should have left him at that. left him the way he left me. is this even going to be worth it in the end? sure, i constantly tell myself: he's that one person you know you will have for the rest of your life, no matter what you go through, no matter what happens. but sometimes i also wonder: why do i keep trying, if i know i'm going to get hurt again in the end? i got hurt once already, and i don't want to again, even if i am prepared. i won't be able to handle that.

i don't even know what to do with this kidd anymore. a;sdjfalfjksa;lfjsaf;dkjsdf;lj, that's how my mind is flowing right now, a;djfas;klfjsafjlsa;lfj. uugh. i just wanna stand on a rooftop and scream my heart out.

i can't keep doing this; i can't keep believing in everyone so much.

so i was told.

making one of these was the last thing i had in mind. a source told me that writing a diary, or writing on an online blog thing will help me out. i'm not really sure why this could help me, or how for that matter, but i have nothing better to do, so i might as well try. maybe i can stop keeping everything bottled up inside, and actually be a happier person. well, i have been pretty happy recently, sorta. except for yesterday.
i found out i might be moving, really far. down to south carolina, or georgia. somewhere around there. i see the benefits, but i've lived in connecticut all my life. everyone that matters to me most, live here. except for one, the advantage to moving south. i don't know. is it a good thing? should i stay here, or start over?


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