listen.

i started drifting away from blogspot, as you can tell. i kinda miss it a bit.
so i decided, while sitting in my bed listening to whitechapel and procrastinating my english paper, to catch up on everything.
life is just overall, great.
everyone gets stressed, i do all the time.
everyone gets upset, i do frequently.
everyone gets pissed off, i often do as well.
everyone has one of those days where they wish they never existed, i do too.
but life is still great.
yknow why?

i was told one of the simplest, yet greatest things today.
i started something in my school called a discussion group. it's every other tuesday afterschool with my chemistry teacher. (he's one of my favorite teachers, too)
today was my first time in it. the point of it is to be able to leave afterwards with something you can really think about into next week, something that changes you in a way, something that makes you think deeper.
during this, he told me two things that i will never forget, that definitely had me leaving that group really thinking about how it's changed me. and i hope sharing it with other people will help them too, because everyone in that group left talking about it.



Happiness is a choice.
&
The greatest thing you could ever do for someone else, is just listen.

petrified.

looking at the big picture, i could say that life is great right now.
but there's alot of little things that have been slowly making their mark.
i'm trying not to let it bother me too much, but it keeps building up.
the greatest thing in my life is my boyfriend. i never would've thought that someone could have such a huge impact on my life in such little time. and yeah, everyone's probably gonna read that and think 'oh, i bet she says that about all her boyfriends' because that's what everyone says about everyone.
well it's bullshit. every single person has had an impact on my life. but this is different. and i don't give a fuck what anyone has to say about it, because he has made me happier than i ever have been.
i love that i can see him almost everyday, and that he goes to mcc, where i attend the high school there.
i love that we get along so well with each other's friends.
i love that i can trust him with anything, and that i've never heard a single bad thing about him before.
i love that every time i ask someone if i should be worried about anything, they always say never.
i love that he's so loyal, trustworthy, respectful, and positive about life.
there's not sedition between us, there's nothing that worries me.
sure, there's the occasion typical girlfriend issues, like when they go party and you're not there.
or when they go out with friends you don't know, especially if they're girls.
but that's normal, of course i'm going to worry about those things. because i'm constantly hoping to myself that i won't lose him in any way, or to anyone else.
but i'm petrified. i'm completely petrified of falling in love.
i've never been in love, and i never expected myself to ever fall in love.
but now i'm really scared, because he's got a pretty tight grip on me, and he's practically got my whole heart in the palm of his hands. i trust him not to break it though.

song.

they really aren't that good at all, but I've been teaching myself guitar and a few friends wanted to start a band with me, so I've been considering some of my old writings that I've dug up. feel free to be totally honest and lemme know what you think. i know it sucks, it's an old one, I'll work on it. ;)


I can`t find the words
To explain how I feel.
But my actions will show
My intentions are real.
and all the beats you give my heart
are for every moment you've proven surreal.

it's your voice, your touch
that cunning smile
that gives me so many butterflies
you make it all worthwhile.
just hold me here,
we can fly for miles.

if i was given just one choice,
the decision to make it through,
I'd push everything away
just to be with you.


i'll work on it. i had to stop because i gotta go do homework. comments please! (:

rofflewaffles.

for once in a long time, i can actually say
I'm happy. (:
and it's not because of a guy, even though there's one that has been on my mind a lot lately.
but it's just because I'm drama-free, I'm succeeding in school, I'm not doing things i shouldn't be doing, I'm having fun with life, and I'm living it to the fullest.

it's so great. :D

i'm not the same kidd from your memory.

I've procrastinated writing here. i just haven't had much to talk about, that matters most. life's passing in a blur, and nothing really matters that much anymore. nobody's the same, life's not the same at all. but most of all, i've changed. and i've learned that it's not worth being put through the same bullshit that's been handed to me over and over again. i'm done putting it off and acting like everything's okay. i've learned who my true friend's are, and that having to give them multiple chances is not going to make it better, or make them learn from their mistakes. i've been screwed over way too many times by the same people to have to just keep forgiving them and moving on. because later down the road, history just repeats itself, and the whole process starts all over again.
i'm sick of it. if i'm done, i'm done. don't test me. the lies, the pressure, the anger. i don't need it, and i don't want it. i don't care who hates me, or who complains that i'm not the same person anymore. i'm obviously going to change, everyone does. I'd like to see it that i'm changing for the better. I've been maturing a lot recently, and I've noticed that most of the people who bitch about us 'not being close anymore' aren't even going to care after high school. there's only one person i can think of at this very moment that i know for a fact will still be right behind me after i graduate and go off to college. yeah, maybe some of those other people i know i will still be close with, but it's highly unlikely.
i'm not going to let anyone or anything get into the way of what i want to do in life, of my dreams, and my goals. and I've already started erasing people from my life that are doing that. i don't need anyone to block me from the road i'm walking down.
so for those who i do end up pushing away, i'm sorry. but it was nice knowing you. and believe me, they've all had a huge impact on my life. it's just not something that will last forever.

-___-

my favorite phrase of the moment: "fuck it all".

hourglass.

has anyone ever mentioned how hard it is to forget, AND forgive?
not easy at all, i can tell you that much. and recently, it's been easier for me to forget, than forgive.
time is not what i have right now, and i need it more than anything.
but every minute feels like a second, every hour a minute.
and everyone just keeps begging for my assistance, begging for an answer.
i'm not going to answer you, i won't pick up the phone for anyone.
i won't assist in your needs, i won't be 100% there for you.
because if i don't deserve to be treated that way, then nobody else does either.
these days are like tiny grains of sand in a little hourglass.
quickly passing by, in an active blur. it's going to end so soon, so very soon.
and all i want to do is hold it sideways, so it can't pass anymore.
but once the sand is falling, you can't flip it and start all over again.




but today, for the first time in a long time, i actually had a good night.