confounded.

i just realized this today. recently, i have been more degraded than usual, even though i don't show it at all. i feel like there is someone who's been created to take my place. like someone sculpted from ice. and i keep the melted me bottled up inside. where no one can touch her, until, unbidden, she comes pouring out. and she puddles then, upon fear-trodden ground. i am always afraid, and i am vague about why. my life isn't so awful. is it?
I have amazing friends, an amazing boyfriend, and a pretty interesting family. but for some reason I feel like I'm so distant from everyone around me, from all my friends and family. i feel like I've let them all down in some way, leaving me feeling as the guilty one. I blame myself, for nearly everything that goes wrong in my life. that's just the adjustment I've grown up with.
sometimes need swells up inside me, like a thunderhead. storms down, sweeps over me like a summer flash flood of need. and then I feel numb, like something else has completely taken over me. do I seem like a different person? sure, everyone changes. but usually it just takes you down a different path than before. I've already swerved off the road and into a field of confusion, heading straight for disaster.
everyone always tells me; whatever it is, don't leave it inside. someday you'll implode. but i just hope they aren't the ones cleaning up the mess.
i still haven't imploded, thought sometimes (maybe even often) i wish i would. wish i could just get it over with.

am i making any sense at all?