bestfriend..

"Don't forget the girl,
Who was always by your side.
When everyone else talked about you,
She was the one who didn't lie.

Don't forget the girl,
Who always made you smile.
Who'd make the sun come out on a rainy day,
Even if it only lasted for awhile.

Don't forget the girl,
Who never let you fall.
The girl who dropped all of her plans,
If you should ever call.

Don't forget the girl,
Who loved you with all her heart.
But everytime you two talked,
She'd never mention that part.

Don't forget the girl,
You were never ment to forget.
Because heaven sent you an angel,
The day you two met."

hey, isn't this easy?

things have been going pretty great recently. the drama hasn't been effecting me, and if it has, I've done a pretty good job dealing with it.
so far this weekend, i haven't done anything stupid, like drugs. I've been handed weed and alcohol a few times and didn't touch any of it. i had a great time with an old friend that i should spend more time with(:, and i spent basically the whole weekend with that special boy<3 everything has been going great, and the stupid immature drama that's been thrown at me has been taken care of.

i don't care if people continue to call me a whore, and a slut, and stupid petty shit like that. they don't know me at all, and they are just trying to find a way to make me look bad. this goes for that one kidd that can't deal with the fact that i just wanna be friends. stop being so damn immature and just stay out of my life.

everything is going just the way i want it. don't ruin it.

:D

just keep looking up.

things are starting to get better. (:

and to refer back to my previous blog, that boy sitch is all worked out. ;D



"if you can see that i'm one who understands you
been here all along, so why can't you see?
you belong with me."

wow, it's really been a while.

last time i wrote on this, was right before i left for japan. but i'm not here to talk about my trip, that would take WAY too fucking long. ha. but i will say, that it was absolutely amazing. and i wish i never left.

but, really, what i need to express more about is my feelings. especially towards the guys. ha, sounds pretty typical, right? but i'm sorta in a pickle. and it's a pretty bad one.

have you ever had those dreams where you feel like they are so real, but when you wake up, you wonder, "why the fuck did i just have that dream?!" i had that this morning, and it kept me thinking all day so far. why did i have it?

what happened, was i went on a roadtrip to mass, with a friend of mine. a boy, actually. that i really have serious feelings for. i don't quite understand why we were on a roadtrip, but during it, he got a phonecall from his girlfriend (in real life, he's single) and he was having alot of problems with her. i woke up super early this morning, and since i fell asleep last night watching mtv, i woke up to hear "you belong with me" by taylor swift. and i love that song, with a passion.

i thought it was kinda creepy though, yknow? if you can catch where this is going, you'd understand why all day i've been listening to that song and thinking about that boy. even though he doesn't have a girlfriend, there is a girl on his mind, and it's not me.

i wish i could just tell him, tell him everything, all the feelings i've ever had for this boy. but when i get to the point where i feel vulnerable enough to tell him, i shut down. and everything starts all over again; i don't know what to do. he's the only one that's been on my mind, and it'll stay like that for a long time, i can tell.

i can either wait two months, until i go up to vermont for thanksgiving. or i can just go ahead and straight up tell him. waiting, things could change to be good or bad. maybe he'll date that girl within those two months, maybe he won't and i can have the perfect moment to do it then. or maybe everything will go wrong, little by little.

-____- i'll update more often now.

japan.

i've been waiting for this trip all summer long.
i'm going to japan for 21 days. my brother, a member of the air force, is stationed there and we are going to visit him in Okinawa. he's also happens to be getting married. (:

so i leave tonight, around midnightish, to pick up my aunt and two cousins. we have to make a two and a half hour drive to jfk airport in new york, and from there we fly out to san fransisco. after there, we go straight to toyko, jump on a train ride and hop onto another plane to make it to Okinawa.
the flights there and back will be my only problems.

i completely freak on planes. i always think it's going to crash and i'm going to die, or lose someone/something important to me. or i'm always afraid my luggage will get lost, or something stupid like that. and just being so high up, and the clastrophobia, ohmygawd.

but, i should still have fun. i packed a bunch of books, and my ipod, and some cds to keep my occupied. and hopefully i'll be able to sleep. ha, the only thing i hate will be the fact i can't use my cellphone. Dx<>

dreams.

it's been a while, since i last wrote on this.
i haven't been on the computer much recently, and I've been trying to be as happy as possible these past few weeks. some days are amazing and great. some days, i break down completely, still.
days like today.

all my life, I've been restrained to do what i want to do. all my friends had the opportunity to do what they wanted while i grew up with them. they didn't have anything standing in their way but their own decisions. if i could be what i wanted to be, i definitely wouldn't be the same person i am today.
maybe that's a good thing, maybe it's a bad thing.
but i do know, that i never had a choice, never got the opportunity i pleaded and wished for every night before i went to bed. i always wished to accomplish my dreams, like they would come true overnight. every single night i would lie in bed imagining what i wanted to be, what i wish i could be. i wasn't even dreaming yet, and i wanted it so badly.
but things like that never happened in my life. i was always that little girl listening to all my friends brag about how their parents always gave them what the wanted, let them be the person they wanted to be. yeah, not every kid got that little barbie doll they wanted, or one of those cool toys they saw on tv. but that's different from what i'm talking about. i'm talking about living your life's dream.

most parents are there to support you, and give you the time of day to help you work up to making that goal, making that dream come true.
it's was practically the opposite for me, growing up. i never got the time of day.
yeah, throughout life, i wanted to be alot of things. dancer, figure skater, soccer star, guitarist, photographer, band singer, bmxer, skateboarder, snowboarder, all that. but no matter how hard i tried, i never got the chance to even think about accomplishing any of them. and now, after all these years, it's like i get punished for wanting something new. 'you can't stop changing your mind, can you?' that's what she always says now. it's because once i'm let down, once they say 'no, you can't do this. i won't let you live your dream' that's what makes me change my mind. yknow, maybe i wasn't set out for dancing, or figure skating. maybe i wasn't skilled enough to play guitar or become a singer. maybe it's too late.
i'm sixteen fucking years old now, it's all too late. i can't be the one thing i always wanted to be, ever since i was a little girl. because i was raised to believe all my dreams will be crushed anyway.
and yknow what, they were.

and it fucking sucks, when you know you can't be what you've always wanted to be.
i never had the type of support from anyone, i never had anybody who believed in me.
nobody to say 'hey, if you work hard at this, you can be it. you can do it, and live the dream'.
because nobody believed that i could.
and it fucking sucks, when you know that you have nothing to be proud of yourself for.
there is not one thing about myself that i am proud about. it sucks to look and the mirror and wonder why you can't be happy for yourself, be proud for what you've become.
yeah, i tried that. the one thing i was actually proud of myself for, i was forced by my own fucking parents to give it up. oh how great they were, huh?
nothing. I'm not proud of myself for anything.

not one thing. and it really. fucking. sucks.

promises.

i'll promise i love you
until my heart turns black and blue
when my heart splits in two
sideways and then all the way through

i'll promise to never say goodbye
stay right by your side
even when you're hurting inside
be there as your guide

you'll never have to worry, my dear
i promise you i'll always be near
and you know i've been here
through it all, year after year

when the storm comes, i swear
i'd wait it out with you there
holding your hand, we're a pair
give you all the love in your despair

this vow i'll hold on to
make sure i follow on through
this is definitely something new
and i am staying true

with these promises, i turn around inside
two fingers are together tied
and one hand is behind
sorry hun, i've lied.

there's a reason you're not in my life anymore.
that reason is because i couldn't stand you anymore.