japan.

i've been waiting for this trip all summer long.
i'm going to japan for 21 days. my brother, a member of the air force, is stationed there and we are going to visit him in Okinawa. he's also happens to be getting married. (:

so i leave tonight, around midnightish, to pick up my aunt and two cousins. we have to make a two and a half hour drive to jfk airport in new york, and from there we fly out to san fransisco. after there, we go straight to toyko, jump on a train ride and hop onto another plane to make it to Okinawa.
the flights there and back will be my only problems.

i completely freak on planes. i always think it's going to crash and i'm going to die, or lose someone/something important to me. or i'm always afraid my luggage will get lost, or something stupid like that. and just being so high up, and the clastrophobia, ohmygawd.

but, i should still have fun. i packed a bunch of books, and my ipod, and some cds to keep my occupied. and hopefully i'll be able to sleep. ha, the only thing i hate will be the fact i can't use my cellphone. Dx<>

dreams.

it's been a while, since i last wrote on this.
i haven't been on the computer much recently, and I've been trying to be as happy as possible these past few weeks. some days are amazing and great. some days, i break down completely, still.
days like today.

all my life, I've been restrained to do what i want to do. all my friends had the opportunity to do what they wanted while i grew up with them. they didn't have anything standing in their way but their own decisions. if i could be what i wanted to be, i definitely wouldn't be the same person i am today.
maybe that's a good thing, maybe it's a bad thing.
but i do know, that i never had a choice, never got the opportunity i pleaded and wished for every night before i went to bed. i always wished to accomplish my dreams, like they would come true overnight. every single night i would lie in bed imagining what i wanted to be, what i wish i could be. i wasn't even dreaming yet, and i wanted it so badly.
but things like that never happened in my life. i was always that little girl listening to all my friends brag about how their parents always gave them what the wanted, let them be the person they wanted to be. yeah, not every kid got that little barbie doll they wanted, or one of those cool toys they saw on tv. but that's different from what i'm talking about. i'm talking about living your life's dream.

most parents are there to support you, and give you the time of day to help you work up to making that goal, making that dream come true.
it's was practically the opposite for me, growing up. i never got the time of day.
yeah, throughout life, i wanted to be alot of things. dancer, figure skater, soccer star, guitarist, photographer, band singer, bmxer, skateboarder, snowboarder, all that. but no matter how hard i tried, i never got the chance to even think about accomplishing any of them. and now, after all these years, it's like i get punished for wanting something new. 'you can't stop changing your mind, can you?' that's what she always says now. it's because once i'm let down, once they say 'no, you can't do this. i won't let you live your dream' that's what makes me change my mind. yknow, maybe i wasn't set out for dancing, or figure skating. maybe i wasn't skilled enough to play guitar or become a singer. maybe it's too late.
i'm sixteen fucking years old now, it's all too late. i can't be the one thing i always wanted to be, ever since i was a little girl. because i was raised to believe all my dreams will be crushed anyway.
and yknow what, they were.

and it fucking sucks, when you know you can't be what you've always wanted to be.
i never had the type of support from anyone, i never had anybody who believed in me.
nobody to say 'hey, if you work hard at this, you can be it. you can do it, and live the dream'.
because nobody believed that i could.
and it fucking sucks, when you know that you have nothing to be proud of yourself for.
there is not one thing about myself that i am proud about. it sucks to look and the mirror and wonder why you can't be happy for yourself, be proud for what you've become.
yeah, i tried that. the one thing i was actually proud of myself for, i was forced by my own fucking parents to give it up. oh how great they were, huh?
nothing. I'm not proud of myself for anything.

not one thing. and it really. fucking. sucks.

promises.

i'll promise i love you
until my heart turns black and blue
when my heart splits in two
sideways and then all the way through

i'll promise to never say goodbye
stay right by your side
even when you're hurting inside
be there as your guide

you'll never have to worry, my dear
i promise you i'll always be near
and you know i've been here
through it all, year after year

when the storm comes, i swear
i'd wait it out with you there
holding your hand, we're a pair
give you all the love in your despair

this vow i'll hold on to
make sure i follow on through
this is definitely something new
and i am staying true

with these promises, i turn around inside
two fingers are together tied
and one hand is behind
sorry hun, i've lied.

there's a reason you're not in my life anymore.
that reason is because i couldn't stand you anymore.

Backspace.

my life has been a complete roller coaster recently. when i finally think that i just might be completely content and happy with my life, something happens that pulls me back down, shoves me right back into the ground. i don't usually let things bring me down, but it's starting to become a never-ending downhill ride for me now. the loops are starting to settle, the twists and turns aren't as extreme anymore. instead i just keep heading straight down, just like that first drop on Superman(Bizarro) feels like. like you're going to crash down right before you fly level with the earth. but this time, i don't even think i'm going to start flying again.

everyone's giving up on me. i'm finally starting to realize that i'm not worth anyone's time anymore.

i want to go back.

courage.

people just need to let me live my life the way i want to. I'm tired of being tied down to certain expectations, and the way people used to see me. I've changed, a lot. and I'm not the same Dani that everyone thought i was. I've learned that nobody else is going to live my life but me, and i want to live it the way that i had in mind. and that way, was basically doing whatever the fuck i want. if i fuck up, or make the stupidest choice i ever could, then just let me do it. maybe I'll learn from my mistake, maybe i won't. but i wanna find that out on my own, through my own experience.

within the next couple of days, i'm going to announce something that'll probably shock everyone i know. but it's something that i want to do, because i want to be fucking happy with everything in my life. just for once.

change.

change is good. for me, at the moment, it is. i'm starting to see things differently again, in a good way. i just might be able to say, life is good. maybe, sometime soon i hope.
i'm not quite sure yet though. i'm just trying to tell myself to just live life day by day. i hope it works.

the reason.

i've been dealing with so much recently, and i just don't find anything worth it anymore. i try so hard to work for the things i want, but it never turns out right. everything is going downhill, just when i feel like it'll all be okay for once. but nothing ever works out the way you hope.
i had the best of friends, and they are struggling to stay by my side. i had the perfect boyfriend, but i had to fuck that all up. i ended it harshly, and i wish i didn't. but i couldn't handle it anymore; i just didn't want to hurt him, but i did anyway. like i said; nothing works out the way you want it.
i just want to move, get this over with. start all over, maybe then i could see myself as a happy person, without faking my smiles all the time. i hate superficial happiness. it's slowly breaking me down, little by little, piece by piece. and i just need to get the hell outta here.
the one thing that i want right now, is to be able to see myself completely happy, inside and out. nothing to worry about, problems all solved, a whole new life.
that's why i want to move to georgia. where my bestfriend is.
but i want my connecticut bestfriend to come with me. she is the only thing that i need from connecticut, really. i have other amazing friends, but she needs me right now, and i need her.
so much sh*t going on right now, i don't want to deal with it at all.
but just as a last little memo here, i've been listening to this song all day.

"I just want you to know..
I've found a reason for me to change who I used to be,
A reason to start over new, and the reason is you."

That's for you, bestfriend. iloveyou<3